


They Don't Know

by KingUnderTheHobbit



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Like a perfectly roasted marshmallow, Lil bit of crack if im bein honest, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13234944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingUnderTheHobbit/pseuds/KingUnderTheHobbit
Summary: "Apparently, Bofur knew someone who was just as desperate for a plus one as Bilbo was. The deal was that this Thorin Durin would go as his boyfriend to Bilbo’s family gathering, and Bilbo would go as Thorin’s at his own family gathering the following weekend."Or Bilbo and Thorin make a bad situation much worse.





	1. The Baggins Family

**Author's Note:**

> Starting the new year off right with a new fanfic. I thought it'd be fun to see Bilbo and Thorin's family differences in a modern setting and voila, out of my disturbed mind this was born.
> 
> So anyway another fake boyfriend au cause thilbo is love thilbo is life. Enjoy!

If Bilbo had to go to one more family gathering, he was going to lose his mind. The amount of harassment he got from these events was enough to make anyone go insane, but he knew from experience it would be even worse if he didn’t go to them.

Still, he couldn’t help inwardly groaning when he saw Lobelia’s name on the screen of his phone. He hesitantly answered the call, immediately shutting his eyes tightly when the shrill voice hit his ears.

“Bilbo! How are you today?”

“I’m doing just fine, Lobelia, thank you.”

“How wonderful. I’m just calling to see whether you are bringing the fruit cake or the potato salad?”

Bilbo sighed and mumbled, “I thought you were bringing the fruit cake…”

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing. I’m bringing the potato salad, Lobelia, but unfortunately I have to go, so if there’s nothing else-”

“Well, let me see...I believe that’s it. Oh! Well, there is one thing. Will you be bringing a plus one this time?”

Bilbo didn’t miss the faint smugness of that last statement. He braced himself and replied, “No, Lobelia, I don’t think I’ll be bringing anyone…”

“Oh, such a shame. You know, there are _options_ Bilbo. Online dating, speed dating-”

“You know what? I take it back, I _will_ be bringing someone.”

The line was silent for a few moments before Lobelia’s harsh voice returned, saying, “Really now? And who is this mystery person?”

Bilbo swallowed hard and thought to himself before replying, “You don’t them. They’re not from around here.”

“Well,” Lobelia remarked, “I suppose we’ll get to know them well enough at the gathering, won’t we?”

Bilbo just swallowed again and nodded, forgetting that she couldn’t see him.

“Then I will see you _very_ soon, Bilbo. Ta ta!”

The line went dead and Bilbo stood frozen staring ahead with the phone still held up to his ear.

“Who was that?”

Finally taking in a deep breath, Bilbo absentmindedly glanced at Bofur, who was nursing a coffee and looking entirely too pleased.

“My cousin-in-law…”

Bofur mouthed an “Ah,” and leaned back on the stool he was sitting on. Bilbo had been quite looking forward to just enjoying some coffee and tea with him when he had gotten that dreadful phone call.

Bofur gave him a sideways smile and asked, “What is it this time?”

He brushed a hand down his face and replied, “Oh, you know, just a family gathering that I may or may not have agreed to bring my non-existent significant other to.”

Bofur snorted and turned back to his coffee. That’s when the realization hit Bilbo.

“Bofur! You can go with me! Oh, please Bofur, it’s only for the weekend and I promise-”

“Sorry, Bilbo,” he laughed, “I’m gonna be out of town this weekend myself.”

Bilbo groaned loudly and dropped his head on the table in front of him, not caring who heard him.

Bofur only laughed again and patted him on the back, “I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

Bilbo shot up and fixed Bofur with a stare, saying, “If I show up without someone, they’re going to eat me alive.”

Bofur pressed his lips in a thin line and looked at him sympathetically, before furrowing his eyebrows in thought.

“You know,” he started, “I think I actually might be able to help you.”

Bilbo turned towards him with a half curious half hopeful expression, but as he saw the wide grin that spread across Bofur’s face, it quickly turned into dread.

This couldn’t be good.

~

Apparently, Bofur knew someone who was just as desperate for a plus one as Bilbo was. The deal was that this Thorin Durin would go as his boyfriend to Bilbo’s family gathering, and Bilbo would go as Thorin’s at his own family gathering the following weekend.

It was rather ingenious actually. Knocking out two birds with one stone and all that. Yet, Bofur’s not so subtle smirk every time he mentioned Thorin was doing nothing to make Bilbo feel better. Still, this was his best option.

He was currently waiting for the man at a cafe near the highway where they’d be departing towards Bilbo’s uncle’s house. If he did his maths correctly, they should get there by noon; though, he was hoping that they’d get a flat tire or something of the like and end up being a few hours late.

Also, if he did his maths correctly, _Thorin_ was forty-five minutes late. He got out his phone and checked for any texts, pursing his lips in annoyance when he saw none. He began to aggressively type out yet another text to Thorin, asking where the man was, when the bell rang from the front entrance of the cafe.

Quickly looking up, he was met with the sight of Thorin walking in drenched, out of breath, and carrying a suitcase. Bilbo sighed and got up from his seat, glaring as he approached the man.

Thorin noticed him and had the decency to look at least a little contrite before hesitantly saying, “Bilbo?”

“Unfortunately,” Bilbo responded miserably.

Thorin took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry, I missed my turn and then I tried to take a different turn-”

“You got lost?”

Thorin met his gaze and then lowered his head mumbling, “Twice.”

Bilbo gaped at him in confusion and exclaimed, “It’s a 15 minute drive!”

Thorin opened his mouth to respond, but when nothing came out, Bilbo groaned and walked passed him muttering, “Come on.”

This was going to be a long weekend.

~

“Slow down.”

Bilbo shut his eyes and silently asked the lord for patience when he was eventually forced to open them again to watch the road.

“I am only going five above the speed limit, and if _somebody_ hadn’t been late, I wouldn’t even have to do that.”

“That’s all it takes,” Thorin said quietly and looked out the window.

Bilbo groaned and said, “You know what? How about we get to know each other. We’re going to have to know things about each other if we’re going to pull this off, so we best practice. Let’s start with, I don’t know, um...how about how old are you?”

“Forty.”

“Great, I’m thirty-five,” he paused, happy to finally be getting somewhere, “Um...any siblings?”

“Two.”

Bilbo nodded and waited for an elaboration, but when none came he tilted his head and asked, “Brothers? Sisters?”

“Both.”

Bilbo pressed his lips together and nodded. He kept glancing at Thorin who was staring on and off out the window. He was very handsome, Bilbo would give him that. He’d noticed it immediately from the picture Bofur had shown him, but there was no denying he was even more attractive up close.

Bilbo took in a deep breath and returned to staring at the road in front of him.

“I never had any siblings,” Bilbo said, breaking the silence. “I always thought it would be nice, but...well, it never happened.”

He nodded to himself and continued, realizing that Thorin wasn’t going to be responding, “No, instead I invested myself into hobbies. Gardening, baking-”

“Reading?”

It was so quiet Bilbo almost didn’t hear it, but when he did he gave a wide smile and looked over at Thorin who was back to staring out the window.

“Why, yes, actually. Why?”

“Because you don’t seem to enjoy reading speed limit signs very much.”

Bilbo groaned and threw his head against the back of the seat, “For goodness sake Thorin, there is nobody out here! We are literally the only people on the road. Nobody bloody cares if we’re going five over the speed limit! Do you see anyone out here? No! _Who cares_ -”

Precisely right in the middle of his rant he heard the sirens go off.

Right. Scratch him losing his mind at the family gathering, he was going to lose it on this car trip.

Thorin looked over at him with an expression that clearly said “Told you so,” and Bilbo glared at him all the harder. He pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park.

“In the glove compartment is the insurance papers,” Bilbo muttered.

Thorin spread his legs slightly to open the glove box and rummaged around in it.

Bilbo saw the police officer approaching them in his rear view mirror and quickly glanced at Thorin asking, “Have you got it?”

“I’m looking. Why do you have so many handkerchiefs in here?”

“Would you just get the papers, please?”

Thorin finally found the papers and handed them to Bilbo just as the officer sidled up to his window.

Bilbo smiled up half-heartedly at the frankly intimidating man and said, “Afternoon, officer.”

The man just looked at him with the same stoic expression and ordered, “License and registration.”

Bilbo nodded and handed him the papers.

The officer eyed him and then nodded in Thorin’s direction, grumbling, “Thorin.”

Thorin nodded back at him, causing Bilbo to look back and forth between the two of them in confusion.

“You know him?” He asked Thorin in a voice a bit higher than he had intended.

“He’s my cousin.”

The officer gestured with the papers in his hand towards his vehicle and said, “I’m going to run this, I’ll be right back.”

Bilbo called after him as he walked away, saying, “Is that really necessary…” before trailing off and slumping back into his seat.

He rested his head on the headrest and turned towards Thorin, “Your cousin?”

Thorin nodded, replying, “Dwalin.”

Bilbo nodded tiredly at him with his eyebrows raised and lips pressed in a thin line, not really caring anymore at this point.

Dwalin returned, grunting, “You checked out.”

Bilbo took the papers from him with a sarcastic nod in thanks.

“Are you going to the gathering next weekend?” Dwalin asked.

Thorin nodded in the affirmative, but not without revealing the slightest bit of dread.

“You’re going to be there?” Bilbo asked curiously.

Dwalin inclined his head and added, “Everyone’s going to be real surprised to see that Thorin’s finally got himself someone. I didn’t believe him when he told me.”

Thorin looked away and Bilbo thought he could see the faintest hint of a blush.

“I guess I’ll see you next weekend…”

“Bilbo.”

Dwalin nodded and gave Bilbo what he assumed was supposed to be a smile before handing him a paper.

Bilbo smiled back and watched him return to his own car. He looked down at the paper in his hand and furrowed his eyebrows.

“A ticket?!”

He leaned out of the window and waved the paper at Dwalin as the officer drove away. Groaning, he slumped back into his seat and glared at Thorin who was smirking.

This time he actually did say, “I told you so.”

~

“Drogo.”

“Second cousin.”

“And he is bringing?”

“Primula.”

“Who he fancies quite a bit, but won’t admit it. Otho?”

“Cousin?”

“Very good, and he recently got married to?”

“Lobelia.”

“Who is a no-good thieving liar, but don’t say that…and she went from being a Bracegirdle to a Sackville-Baggins.”

Thorin groaned, not for the first time, and said, “Bilbo, I can’t remember all of these. Your family tree is like navigating a maze.”

“Well yours isn’t exactly a walk in the park either. Ori, Nori, Dori,” he paused struggling to remember the names, “Dwalin...Balin? Who does that to their kids?!”

“It’s tradition to have your children named closely to your own and each other’s names.”

“It’s confusing is what it is.”

As they had neared Bilbo’s uncle’s house, they began to really worry about learning more about each other and each other’s families. After Bilbo finished ranting about how Lobelia was always trying to steal his spoons, they had begun going over the important things and even quickly made some flashcards to quiz each other with, but they were both still struggling.

Thorin sighed loudly and conceded, “Alright, let’s go over it again.”

“Too late,” Bilbo replied uneasily, “We’re here.”

Earlier it was Thorin who was nervous about coming here, but now Bilbo was the one who was nearly hyperventilating. They got out of the car and pulled out their suitcases, approaching the bright red door, and he took in a deep breath to prepare himself.

There was still time to go back. They could get in the car and drive as fast as they could, saying there was some emergency back at the house or something. Bilbo was actually about to tell Thorin this when a dark head popped out of the door.

“Bilbo! You’re finally here!”

“Hello, Drogo. Sorry we’re late,” he hugged his cousin and gestured towards Thorin, “Someone got lost.”

“Well, you must be the one everybody’s been talking about,” Drogo smiled warmly at Thorin before turning to Bilbo, “I must say Bilbo, I didn’t quite believe Lobelia when she said you were bringing someone.”

“Yes, well, I don’t blame you. Lobelia has been known to bend the truth.”

“No, not because of that, because you _never_ have a date.”

Bilbo heard Thorin snort next to him as he stared unamused at Drogo. He sighed and picked up his suitcase, stepping inside and leaving the pair on the doorstep. Thorin could introduce himself.

Wandering into the living room, Bilbo was met with a large group of curly heads. As soon as Lobelia saw him, he started counting backwards from ten in his head.

“Bilbo!”

Bilbo smiled, which he fears came out as more of a pained grimace than a smile, and tried to keep his balance as she kissed both his cheeks.

“Well, I am happy to _finally_ see you here. We all thought that you weren’t coming, didn’t we?” Lobelia looked around and continued before anyone could answer, “Now, I don’t see this mystery date of yours, Bilbo? Were they not able to make it? This person that I don’t know and isn’t from around here?”

Bilbo could hear the smugness in Lobelia’s voice as she soaked in her believed triumph, and he looked at her with a smile that he didn’t even attempt to make seem genuine with a tilted head.

“You know, Lobelia-”

Fortunately for Bilbo, Thorin walked into the living room at that moment, stopping Bilbo from finally snapping and giving Lobelia the dressing-down of her lifetime.

“And who is this?” Primula asked from her seat on the couch.

Bilbo took in a deep breath and gestured towards Thorin saying, “Everyone this is Thorin, Thorin this is everyone.”

The next few seconds consisted of people enthusiastically shaking Thorin’s hand, patting Bilbo on the back, and throwing him a “Well done, Bilbo.”

The only thing that made it all worth it was the look on Lobelia’s face.

~

Unfortunately, they had missed luncheon, but it was nearly time for afternoon tea, so Bilbo kept the protesting to a minimum.

“So, Thorin, how long have you known Bilbo?”

They looked at each other for a few moments, considering what to say, before Bilbo shut his mouth and nodded for Thorin to take the lead.

“About a year now?” the taller man decided.

“A year!” Bilbo’s Aunt Linda exclaimed, “How have we not heard of you before?!”

Bilbo interjected this time, saying, “We wanted to keep it on the down low.”

“Oh, come now, Bilbo,” Otho added in admonishment, “Why would you do a thing like that?”

“We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” Bilbo replied shortly.

“Well,” Lobelia started, who Bilbo just realized had remained silent and skeptical since Thorin had arrived, “My Otho and I would never hide our relationship. Why, our wedding was the most marvelous event of the year I should say. You could’ve brought Thorin as your plus one to that Bilbo! Instead of showing up alone...again.”

Bilbo opened his mouth to respond with something that he would’ve most likely regretted later, when Primula quickly interrupted him with “I do believe it’s time to get started on dinner! Bilbo, mind helping me in the kitchen?”

Bilbo nodded sharply and followed Primula into the kitchen.

When they were in the safety of the kitchen, Primula turned towards him, saying in hushed tones, “Bilbo, don’t let her get under your skin. You’re better than that!”

Bilbo sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, replying, “I’m sorry, Prim. She just drives me _crazy_.”

Primula snorted and remarked, “Well, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you, so try not to lose it just yet.”

Groaning, Bilbo rolled up his sleeves and focused on preparing dinner, trying to destress as much as possible. However, Primula spent the next few hours that it took to prepare dinner to interrogate him about Thorin, so it didn’t end up being exactly relaxing. He called everyone to the dining room just to avoid anymore of her questions, and watched as the room filled with occupants.

“Who’s ready for dinner?” Primula said cheerily.

Thorin looked around in confusion and asked, “Dinner? But we just ate?”

Bilbo approached the table and leaned in towards Thorin as he pulled out a chair, murmuring, “You’ll learn that we enjoy food quite a bit here.”

Everyone gathered around the table, adding a few plates here and there, before piling up their own plates. If there was one thing Bilbo didn’t hate about coming to these gatherings, it was the food. He had just managed to block everyone out and completely zone in on his carrots when he heard his name. Looking up, he saw a few people looking at him expectantly and murmured, “What?”

“I said,” Drogo answered, “How did you meet Thorin?”

Bilbo gaped momentarily before collecting himself and looking at Thorin for help, who was resolutely ignoring him and sipping at his wine.

He turned all the way towards Thorin and remarked, “Why don’t you tell them love?”

Thorin’s concealment of choking on his wine was graceful, Bilbo will give him that, but it didn’t stop him from smirking into his own cup.

Thorin returned to his usual composed self and started, “That is an excellent story. You see, Bilbo had just been kicked off the tube after not giving up his seat for an elderly woman, when he noticed me walking by and called out to me.”

Bilbo turned slowly to gape at Thorin with a vaguely concealed expression of horror.

“Well, when I didn’t respond, he got out and implored me for my number. I said no over and over again until finally, I gave it to him just so he’d leave me alone. He texted me every day for the next month, begging me to go out on a date with him. Again, I eventually conceded and, well, here we are.”

Everyone began chattering again about how kind and generous Thorin was while Bilbo sat stiffly in his seat and glared at the man.

It took every last bit of willpower Bilbo had to not kick him in the shin.

The conversation had lulled back into how are your roses doing and whose recipe is this, when Thorin passed him the potatoes.

“Would you like some potatoes ghivashel?”

Bilbo ignored the pet name, sure that it was probably some hidden insult, and nonchalantly took the potatoes with an artificial smile.

Thorin commented to the rest of the table, “I call him ghivashel because he is my treasure.”

The table immediately descended into coos and fond looks, then Bilbo said, “I call him dickhead because he’s a dickhead.”

The other’s gasped in horror and scolded “Bilbo!”

Bilbo just continued to eat his potatoes, paying them no mind.

~

“I think your family quite liked me.”

After dinner, which consisted of Thorin telling stories such as “Remember that time you pretended to be disabled to get better seats love?”, Bilbo’s uncle had directed them to one of the guest rooms, telling them to get a good night’s rest for the big day tomorrow. They were going to the lake, which Bilbo was partially looking forward to and partially dreading.

“Hm, really? I didn’t think so,” Bilbo responded as he pulled a pillowcase over one of the pillows on the bed.

Thorin smirked while pulling out a pajama top from his suitcase.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to just add me to the family now.”

“I would be very surprised, but that just shows you how different our thought processes are. Like how I actually have one.”

Thorin huffed out a laugh and pulled on the top, commenting, “I still think they’d prefer me here.”

“You know what? You can have them,” Bilbo retorted, “They will find any little thing wrong with you that they can and say how it should be corrected, all while giving you a cup of tea, of course, because Baggins are nothing if not experts at being passive aggressive.” He huffed to himself as he finished his tirade and continued, “Now, are you going to sleep on the couch, or shall I?”

Thorin stared at him contemplatively for a moment, seeming to be thinking about what Bilbo had said, before returning to folding his shirt and responding, “Usually, I would leave that honour to you, but this couch is more comfortable than my bed.”

Bilbo climbed into the bed and threw a pillow at Thorin, announcing, “Enjoy these next couple of days, because pretty soon I get to meet your family.”

Thorin pulled his own blanket over himself and casually replied, “I’m afraid you’ll be quite disappointed, they are significantly insignificant. It’ll be a dull affair for everyone.”

Then he turned over and pretended to go to sleep, all while replaying last year’s Christmas dinner in his head and internally panicking.

~

After a long drive to the lake, which was in truth only twenty minutes long but seemed much longer due to Bilbo and Thorin mostly irritating each other, they finally arrived to the pristine waters of the lake surrounded by a beautiful arrangement of various trees along with a carpet of green as far as the eye can see.

It was one of Bilbo’s favorite places to go when he was younger. He loved to wander through the trees and run his hands over the tall green grass and delicate blue flowers, which always looked more violet in the sunshine.

There was one spot that he always went to, where the flowers were abundant, and the sun shined through the tree canopies so that the particles in the air were visible and shining. His mother had always told him that they were tiny fairies.

Getting out of the car, Bilbo soaked in the warmth from the sun and breathed in the fresh air. The smell of beech trees hit his nose and he adjusted his bag over his shoulder, walking down the hill to where everyone else was already setting up.

Bilbo planned on simply sitting underneath a shady tree and reading a book today. He knew exactly what these trips entailed and was not interested in any of it, thank you very much.

Of course, that never stopped his family from harassing him before.

“Come on Bilbo! They're starting!”

“I’m well aware of that Primula, which is why I’m over here.”

Primula put her hands on her hips and gave him a glare that looked frighteningly like his own.

“You are not going to drag Thorin here only to sit under a tree and read. You’re going to ruin all the fun for him!”

Thorin looked like he was more than okay with sitting next to Bilbo and avoiding the chaos over yonder, which may have partially been why Bilbo said that they would join them.

Reluctantly making his way over to the waters, Bilbo watched idly as everyone started setting up for the day. Everywhere he looked there was someone fishing, or laying out blankets, or canoeing, and overall just enjoying themselves at the lake. Watching as one of his nieces hung from a tree limb, he shouted for her to be careful before hearing Primula call his own name.

She waved them over to a spot near a fishing area where a group was settled around in a circle. As he approached them, he recognized that they were gathered around a game of conkers. Primula handed him two chestnuts and he gave one to Thorin. When Thorin returned this with a look of confusion, Bilbo furrowed his eyebrows and asked, “Have you never played before?”

“Played what?”

“Conkers.”

He was met with silence as Thorin shook his head slowly. Bilbo looked down with a half-smile and replied, “Don’t worry, I’ll show you.”

Thorin figured out pretty quickly that Bilbo was quite good at conkers, judging by the pile of broken chestnuts by his leg.

He tried again and again, but no matter what, Bilbo’s chestnut remained untarnished. After a few more games, Thorin finally gave a groan of frustration and Bilbo couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him.

“I’ve been doing this for awhile, Thorin, don’t feel too bad.”

Thorin just cursed his chestnut while trying to untangle it. Grinning at him, Bilbo said, “Come on,” grabbing his hand and pulling them both up towards the water, “I’m sure we’ll find something here that you’re adequate at.”

~

Bilbo had taken Thorin over to the fishing, and then the canoeing, and even got him to fly a kite, which was needless to say very amusing to watch. Thorin was currently in the middle of a very riveting game of hide and seek with his nephews and nieces, and Bilbo took the opportunity to finally sit down and read.

The grass stirred softly as he strolled through the beautiful beech forest, moving assuredly towards his destination. As the bluebells became more dense, he began searching for one tree in particular. Every time he came here as a child, he would run into the forest wearing a huge smile instead of shoes, and bounce through the flowers and greenery, looking back every so often with a tinkling laugh as his mother followed him.

Coming into a clearing, Bilbo finally found his destination. Before him stood a large and leafy oak, lit up by the rays of sunshine coming through its canopy. He approached the enormous trunk, book forgotten, and ran a hand over its coarse coat, tracing more intently when he found the carving he had left as a child.

He smiled softly at the memories, recalling how he would climb as high as he could under the careful watch of his mother, seeing as his father would never have allowed such as thing, when a deep voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“You’re missing the water balloon toss.”

Bilbo turned around quickly, watching as Thorin carefully walked over the flowers and towards him.

“How did you know where I was?” Bilbo asked in surprise.

“Primula,” was Thorin’s brief answer, which Bilbo just responded to with a short nod of understanding.

They stood in silence for a few moments, Thorin simply taking in their surroundings, when Bilbo broke the silence, saying, “Well, I suppose we should get back there. I don’t want to miss seeing you have a water balloon explode in your face.”

Thorin snorted as Bilbo walked past him, but looked hesitantly back at where Bilbo had just been standing. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but instead just followed Bilbo back to the others.

~

Overall, it was actually a fairly enjoyable day. They had a scavenger hunt, a watermelon eating contest, which Thorin watched with poorly concealed shock, and picked all the berries they could find to make pies later.

Bilbo probably would’ve even been willing to do it again, that is until they had been forced to play a game of Two Truths and a Lie.

Essentially, the game entailed someone telling two facts about themselves and one lie, and the others had to guess which one was the lie. Well, seeing as Thorin was Bilbo’s “boyfriend,” and nobody there had even met Thorin before yesterday, the others had naturally expected Bilbo to know which one was the lie.

And _Thorin_ , thought it would be funny to only state facts that neither of them had gone over.

He would say things like “I am an uncle,” or “I play the harp,” or, oh, Bilbo’s personal favorite, “ _My birthday is in autumn_ ,” and Bilbo didn’t know the answer to any of them.

It was nearly dark now, and they were all back at the house either getting ready for bed or already in bed when Bilbo saw Thorin walking down one of the hallways.

Glaring, Bilbo marched up to him and said in a harsh whisper, “You could have taken it easier on me you prick!”

Thorin kept his face completely casual and replied, “It’s not my fault you haven’t taken the time to get to know your own boyfriend.”

Bilbo smacked him on the arm and responded, “It’s not just my arse that’s on the line, Thorin! If they figure it out, you’re screwed too!”

“Everything going alright?”

Bilbo immediately cringed at the artificially sweet voice that came from behind him and couldn’t even take the time to enjoy how Thorin’s face was no longer so frustratingly composed. He turned around to face the bane of his existence for these many years and returned Lobelia’s mock smile.

“Everything,” he began, pushing Thorin towards the other way of the hall so that it was just Bilbo and Lobelia, “Everything’s just fine. Thorin and I were just talking about how much fun we had today.”

“Were you?” Lobelia responded, eyes trained on Bilbo as Thorin disappeared from the hallway, “What was your favorite part? Was it the games? How about Two Truths and a Lie?”

Bilbo gulped.

“I found that one to be quite fun,” Lobelia continued with a voice not quite as sweet and a smile not quite as wide as she began to stalk towards Bilbo.

“Y-yes,” Bilbo responded, clearing his throat and continuing, “That one was fun. I must confess I don’t think I’m very good at it though.”

“No,” Lobelia conceded with a feigned sympathetic expression as she got closer and closer to him, “The trick is to know your opponent,” she stopped in front of him and looked unblinking into his eyes, “Because if you know them, then you always know which one is the lie.”

“Lobelia, Bilbo,” Drogo’s voice interrupted from behind Lobelia at the other end of the hallway, “What are you two doing still up? You’d best get to bed, we’ve got another big day tomorrow.”

Neither Lobelia nor Bilbo had looked away from each other yet, but then Lobelia finally turned around and said, “You’re absolutely right dear Drogo. We’d better get to bed. It’s going to be a very interesting day tomorrow.”

She threw one last look at Bilbo before strolling past Drogo who gave her a sideways glance.

Drogo sighed and came up to him asking, “Are you alright, Bilbo?”

Bilbo finally met his eyes before shuffling his feet and waving a hand in assurance, responding, “Oh, yes, I’m fine.”

“I know how she can bother you sometimes, but she does have a point you know. Are you...are you and your boyfriend having trouble?”

Bilbo’s head shot up from where he’s been looking at his feet.

“Because if you are,” Drogo continued, “It’s totally normal. Relationships are difficult-”

“No, no, Drogo,” Bilbo interrupted, “We’re not having any troubles. It was just a disagreement.”

“Ah. Well, I suggest you put all that to bed, if you know what I mean.”

Bilbo wrinkled his nose and spluttered with a flustered expression.

“Really, though, Bilbo. I never see you two hug or kiss or even stand within one foot of each other. It’s almost as if you guys are complete strangers.”

Bilbo gulped and looked down at his feet.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he started, “Thorin and I are extremely close. We were just having a disagreement is all.”

Drogo looked at him skeptically before nodding and saying, “Well, if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m right here.”

Bilbo gave him a tight-lipped smile and clapped him on the upper arm, watching as Drogo walked back down the hallway.

He took a deep breath.

They were going to have to do _a lot_ better.

~

Golden light penetrated through Bilbo’s sleep, causing him to stir as he transitioned into the conscious world. His hands came up of their own accord to rub at his eyes before he sat up in his nest of blankets.

Immediately, he was met with the sounds of chirping birds due to the bird feeder right outside their window. The nights had been getting warmer and warmer, so they had opened it the night before, causing the twitters to be even more pronounced.

He idly looked over towards the sound of singing birds and felt his heart skip a beat. Sleeping peacefully below the window was Thorin draped in the morning light. He had an arm thrown above his head as he breathed ever so gently with his hair splayed across the pillow like a dark waterfall. Bilbo tried to remember how to breath, but his brain seemed to have short circuited.

 _He was really very pretty_ , Bilbo thought. All of the sudden he felt a strong urge to lay more blankets over Thorin and quietly leave him to sleep in peace, shutting the door carefully behind him.

Instead, he ignored the way his heart was clenching and went to get some breakfast.

As soon as he entered the soft golden light of the kitchen, he was met with the inviting smell of pancakes. It was still fairly early so most everyone was still asleep. Still in his pajamas, though everyone was, he went over to help one of his cousins with some sausage and scones.

After they were mostly finished with preparing breakfast, Bilbo sat down on one of the bar stools when one of his little nephews promptly jumped into his lap, showing him the pictures in a book he had found.

Bilbo smiled and pointed at the different animals in the book along with their names, the lad wasn’t even in school yet, when Thorin entered the kitchen. When he saw him, Bilbo gave him a quick smile before returning to the book. Thorin was already dressed and ready for the day and approached Bilbo before giving him a light kiss on the lips, softly saying “Good morning.”

For the second time that morning, Bilbo’s brain stopped working.

He sat frozen for quite a few moments, simply staring in one direction as he tried to calm down his rapidly beating heart, while Thorin casually went over to help his aunt serve up breakfast.

They had talked about this. Last night Bilbo had told Thorin that people were starting to get suspicious, and if they were going to pull this off, they had to act more ‘couple like.’ So, they agreed that they’d try to work harder to be a convincing loving couple.

And it appears Thorin had been true to his word.

Bilbo ignored the way his lips tingled and blinked a few times in an attempt to get his brain to work again. He eventually cleared his head and looked down at his nephew, gently telling him to get some pancakes before they were all gone and tickling the boy when he stubbornly refused.

“Do you want to make pie later?” he asked him.

The lad nodded up at him with large eyes.

“Then you better get some breakfast first,” Bilbo tickled him again until he eventually gave in and slipped off the chair to stumble towards the promise of breakfast.

Eyeing Thorin’s back suspiciously as the man innocently prepared some pancakes, Bilbo scooted off the stool he was on and made his way over to him. Only, he was interrupted by Primula ruffling his hair and saying, “Come on lazybones, get dressed and comb that hair, we have a big day ahead of us.”

“You're still in your pajamas too,” Bilbo pointed out defensively.

“No excuses. Look, Thorin’s all ready to go. Follow his lead and go get dressed!”

With that she scooped up two little squealing children and headed towards the living room as Bilbo sighed and headed off to get dressed. It was their last day here, and he was determined to get through it without anyone finding out about his and Thorin’s little secret, and preferably his sanity too, but he wasn’t expecting too much in that area.

~

“Bilbo?”

“Yes?”

“I think there’s something wrong the plant you gave me.”

Bilbo wiped his forehead as he looked away from where he was carefully tucking a young tomato plant into a bed of dirt, when he saw Thorin’s little creation.

Everyone had made their way to the gardens not long after Bilbo got ready, and now they were all busy tending to the plants and helping the little ones sow plants of their own, or in Bilbo’s case, helping Thorin.

The little plant he had given Thorin to put into the ground was now slumped over pitifully and half covered in dirt.

“What did you do to it?”

“Nothing,” Thorin emphasized, “I did exactly what you told me to do.”

“I don’t remember telling you to destroy the poor thing…” Bilbo mumbled and was answered with a glare from Thorin that didn’t really faze him anymore.

“I put it in the dirt like you said,” Thorin continued to defend himself, “But it won’t stand up straight. I think I just need a new one.”

“You don’t need a new one,” Bilbo contended, “You just need to not bury the poor thing alive.”

“...It’s a plant.”

“Exactly,” he replied as he walked on his knees closer to Thorin and gently pulled the plant up to retransplant it.

Digging a slightly deeper hole, Bilbo carefully placed the roots into the ground and pulled Thorin’s hand closer to it. Thorin was treating the thing like it was a rabid dog instead of a tomato plant, and the thought made Bilbo smile.

“You just have to fill it up enough to where the roots are covered and packed in slightly so that it will stay up.”

He guided Thorin’s hand to pat down the dirt and felt his eyes crinkle in delight when the plant stayed standing.

“See?” he asked quietly, raising his eyes to meet Thorin’s when he didn’t get a response.

Thorin was gaping at him slightly and Bilbo gave him a soft smile in return.

For a moment, all Bilbo could think of was how nice it was to be able to share this with someone. He had never really been able to share what he loved with someone else before, and he could feel his heart lighten at finally having the opportunity.

“Maybe you’ll do better with flower crowns.”

He watched as something shifted in Thorin’s eyes and a warm smile spread across his face, making the rest of his features look softer.

Bilbo’s own smile widened in response before he quickly jumped up and ran off towards the flowers.

Thorin stayed kneeling in the dirt for a few more moments, watching Bilbo with a smile he was unaware he was making, before Bilbo’s words hit him.

“...flower crowns?”

~

It turns out that Thorin was indeed much better with flower crowns.

In all honestly, Bilbo hadn’t really expected him to do any better with weaving flowers than planting tomatoes, but by some miracle, Thorin now had a rather large queue of children waiting for him to make them the most beautiful crown with flowers of their choosing.

Bilbo watched in awe as Thorin weaved stems through each other perfectly to create immaculate crowns. Thorin didn’t exactly have the fingers of a pianist, so every time he managed to slip a stem through even the most complicated of knots, Bilbo’s mouth opened just a little bit more.

Bilbo walked up to Thorin in complete astonishment with his arms crossed as the man finally finished up the last crown, handing a beautiful purple and gold circlet to yet another beaming child.

He ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled after him fondly while Bilbo watched, still in shock.

“...how?” He was eventually able to voice.

Thorin turned towards him and sighed before stating, “My family has this tradition of braiding hair. Let’s just say I’ve braided my nephew’s hair more times than I can count.”

Bilbo scoffed in surprise and continued to gaze at Thorin in awe.

“Well it looks like we’ve found something you’re adequate at,” Bilbo eventually conceded with a smile, remembering his words from just the other day.

“Bilbo! Come on you two, we’re going to start baking!”

Bilbo glanced over his shoulder at his cousin and waved to them, indicating they would come in a minute.

“Are you as good at making blackberry pie as you are at making flower crowns?”

“I’m afraid I haven’t had the chance to test it.”

Bilbo smirked and gestured for him to follow.

“Come on then.”

~

Thorin was definitely not as good at making pies as he was at making flower crowns.

After about the fifth time of him adding far too much flour, or not adding the butter properly (“ _Slice_. Don’t _pound_!”), or somehow burning the crust before it even got in the oven, they decided that his skills would be best put to use somewhere else, such as far away from the baking.

Of course, they had Thorin do the crust braiding for the outsides of the pies, and he managed that very well.

He was in the middle of said braiding when Bilbo sidled up next to him and asked, “How’s it going?”

“I’ve managed to neither pound nor burn the braids, so fairly well.”

Bilbo gave a small laugh and said, “Perhaps we can make a Baggins out of you yet.”

“Oh don’t listen to him, Thorin. Anyone who can make a flower crown that well is automatically a part of the family,” Primula said with a smile.

“You know what? This reminds me of Bilbo and mine’s second date, where he took me cake tasting, and then rushed me out the door before we had to pay for it-”

“ _Okay_ , I think that’s enough of that story. Why don’t you go back to your braiding,” Bilbo grumbled in annoyance.

Primula giggled quietly while Thorin smirked and went back to his braiding, eventually continuing, “I only wish I could bake as well as I braid. Thankfully, though, I live right next to what is probably the best bakery there is, so I’ve never needed to.”

“Really?” Bilbo asked, his curiosity overpowering his irritation, “Where do you live?”

And that was when Bilbo realized he had just made a very big mistake.

Everyone who was anywhere near the pair went quiet and pondered what he had just said in confusion. It’s only natural, of course, that Lobelia would break the silence.

“...‘ _where does he live_?’”

Bilbo turned towards her with wide eyes and a tightly shut mouth.

She looked at him with positively predatory eyes and remarked, “You mean, you don’t know where your _boyfriend_ of one year lives?”

Bilbo kept opening and closing his mouth in an attempt to say something, but nothing came out and he stood mutely while everyone stared at him with confused expressions.

He turned towards Thorin, desperately asking for help with his eyes, but Thorin looked even more shocked than him.

Thankfully, if there was one thing Bilbo inherited from his mother, it was her ability to think quickly on her feet.

“Only, well, I’ve been to his house countless times, and I can’t ever recall there being a bakery nearby.”

It felt like all the oxygen had been put back into the room as the group nodded in sudden understanding.

Bilbo could see the relief in Thorin’s eyes as well as he soon responded, “I was referring to you, darling. You’re like a miniature bakery with all the bread and cakes you make.”

It appears Thorin could think quickly on his feet as well. Hmm. Who knew?

~

After almost blowing their entire cover and earning himself a lifetime of embarrassment, Bilbo and Thorin headed to their bedroom to start packing up.

“Miniature bakery?” Bilbo laughed, trying not to cry from amusement. He felt almost hysterical from his relief.

Thorin laughed with him and raised his eyebrows as he folded a shirt into his suitcase, defending himself with a “I think I did rather nicely!”

Bilbo doubled over from his laughter, barely getting out the words, “I just-I can’t believe I said that! God, that was close,” he huffed in amusement, “I don’t know how we got through that one unscathed.”

Thorin just smiled down at his suitcase and replied, “We got through the weekend unscathed. So, it’s nice to know that if I ever need a partner in crime, I can go to you.”

Bilbo zipped up his luggage with a smirk.

They made their way to the living room where everyone else was was gathered around, saying their goodbyes and getting together their belongings. Bilbo was laughing at something Thorin had said when Lobelia walked up to them, sporting her usual sour expression, except this time it had a slightly self-satisfied edge to it that made Bilbo more uncomfortable than usual.

“Well,” she began, as she looked them both up and down, “I for one have had a very fun weekend, and it’s been just wonderful getting to know you Thorin.”

Her predatory gaze began to unnerve Bilbo and he had an unsettling feeling that something bad was about to happen.

“It seems Bilbo would do well with getting to know you better as well. Just a suggestion, I would practice a bit more beforehand next time Bilbo.”

Bilbo was filled with dread at her statement, feeling Thorin glance over at him uncertainly.

“Everyone knows relationships can be complicated, but it would be such a shame if everyone knew about the exact nature of yours. I’d think very carefully the next time Otho and I come over to discuss the ownership of certain belongings.”

She stared at him hard before her face fell into a mockingly sympathetic expression, “Honestly, Bilbo. This is sad even for you.”

Bilbo met her stare, keeping his face carefully blank before simply walking away in seeming annoyance, but Thorin didn’t miss the shadow of shame that flickered over Bilbo’s face. He stared after Bilbo with slightly knitted eyebrows as the shorter man slipped past his relatives and out of the living room, when a voice he had grown to despise quietly stated, “You know, you really shouldn’t encourage him. He’s already pitiful enough as it is, but this little stunt just tops it off.”

Thorin was still staring off in the direction that Bilbo had left, feeling a tightness in his chest, when Lobelia continued, “Perhaps you can remind him for me that listening to me would be in his best interest, because now I know the truth about his sad little secret.”

Something in Thorin shifted in that moment, and all the insults at Bilbo’s expense finally overcame him. He turned to Lobelia with a stoic but warning expression and towered over her, stating in a low voice, “Then prove it.”

With that he left her gaping in the noisy living room and followed to where Bilbo had left outside, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction.

~

When Thorin got outside, Bilbo’s things were already put in the car and he could see him sitting in the passenger’s seat staring resolutely ahead. Thorin mentally took in a deep breath and threw his own things in the car before climbing into the driver’s seat. They sat in silence for a few moments, Bilbo staring out the window with a blank expression, but Thorin could see a tear trail down his cheek.

They sat there in silence for a few moments before Thorin took a deep breath.

“You know,” he began, “No matter how sad we may be for needing fake boyfriends, it’s way sadder to blackmail someone over that for silverware.”

Bilbo turned to face him finally and gazed at Thorin’s soft teasing smile for a moment before the corners of his own mouth lifted.

“Want to get some tea?” Thorin asked.

Bilbo’s responded with a half-smile, quietly saying, “That would be nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry, Bilbo’s going to get his revenge on Thorin.


	2. The Durin Family

After his own family gathering was finished, the week passed by relatively quickly for Bilbo, and the time to play pretend with Thorin’s family had come.

Thorin’s family lived a bit farther north than Bilbo’s own, and he found the lack of countryside to be a bit exciting, if not a little perturbing. Miraculously, they made it to Thorin’s family’s house on time ( _“Are you really not going to go any faster than this?” “Not in these weather conditions.” “It’s hardly sprinkling!”_ ), and pulled up to the driveway of a rather large and imposing house. 

Bilbo got out of the passenger seat with a deep breath and headed straight for the door when he heard Thorin quickly following behind him. 

“Bilbo,” Thorin said out of breath, “There’s something you should know about my family.”

As they drew closer to the door, Thorin looked more and more desperate. Bilbo largely ignored him, continuing to casually make his way across the gravel walkway.

“What? Are you all secretly part of some cult? Come on Thorin, you can’t back out now.”

“No, it’s just that, well, they’re a little…”

The front door burst open to reveal a blonde teenager exclaiming, “Uncle Thorin!”

The grinning blonde held out his arms and looked like he was about to come forward when another person ran up behind him and promptly pulled his trousers down.

The blonde quickly yelled, “Kili!” as a dark-haired teenager ran away laughing. 

He pulled up his trousers as well as he could before running off after the other teenager, leaving Bilbo to stare at the now empty space in front of him.

While Bilbo stared at the doorway looking properly traumatized, Thorin removed his hand from where he had brought it to his face in dismay and brushed past Bilbo to enter the house, murmuring, “Welcome to the Durin household.”

~

Soon after following Thorin inside, he was greeted with a house full of people. He gazed at the amount of activity going on before turning back to Thorin who was being greeted by a dark-haired woman that looked like the female version of Thorin.

“Brother! It’s about time you showed up. Did you get lost? Again?”

The woman smirked at her brother before trying to take his bags, which he stubbornly held on to.

He glared at the woman and responded, “We’re precisely on time and you know it Dis.”

She smiled cheekily at him and said, “We just worry about you sometimes is all.”

Turning her stare to Bilbo, her smile turned into something a little more friendly, stating, “And you must be Bilbo! It’s so nice for Thorin to finally bring someone other than himself, I just didn’t expect for you to be so cute!”

“Dis…”

“Oh hush Thorin, you should be proud! Now, why don’t we put your things in your room and then you can meet everyone else.”

They walked up the stairs to the second floor where their room was located, Bilbo taking a moment to appreciate the large and ornately decorated room, before heading back downstairs where everyone else was.

Bilbo saw the two teens from earlier chasing each other through the crowd of people, earning complaints and a smack on the head from the people around them.

He heard a forlorn sigh from next to him, coming from Thorin of course, as the taller man surveyed their surroundings, addressing Dis and saying, “Please just tell me Frerin isn’t here yet-”

“Brother dearest! I’ve missed you so-Oh, hello there,” a man with dark blonde hair came up to them grinning but cut himself off as soon as he saw Bilbo, “And who is this?”

Bilbo noticed Thorin glaring at the man before responding, “This is Bilbo, my _boyfriend_. Bilbo, this is the devil.”

Frerin laughed and took Bilbo’s hand before planting a kiss on it, “Enchanté, I’m Frerin, but I can be the devil if you’d like.”

He winked at Bilbo while Bilbo stared back at him in amusement. He could practically hear Thorin seething behind him.

“And exactly how did my brother manage to snatch someone like you?”

Bilbo smirked and replied, “In all honesty, I ask myself that every day.”

Yeah, Bilbo still hadn't forgotten about the whole getting kicked off the tube story.

Frerin laughed brightly and turned back to Thorin, throwing an arm around him, and stating, “I _love_ him, Thorin! Let’s go see the others, they’ve been waiting for you two.”

They headed to where the bulk of people were mingling, and Bilbo took in the mass amounts of facial hair and braids. Thorin stood next to him with poorly concealed anxiousness and gestured to everyone with an indifferent wave of his hand.

“Everyone this is Bilbo. Bilbo this is everyone.”

A couple of them cheered and smiled brightly at him, but Frerin interrupted them, saying, “Oh come now Thorin, don’t be like that! Show Bilbo a little decorum and introduce us properly!”

When Thorin made no move to do so and just stared at Frerin unimpressed, Frerin hopped to the nearest person, throwing an arm around the man’s shoulders, and began introducing everyone in the room.

“Bilbo, this is Nori, Gloin, Ori, Dori,” a blonde and brunette head ran past him, “Fili, Kili, aaand Oin.”

“What?” the last man asked before Frerin laughed sharply and hopped back over to Bilbo and Thorin. 

“Everyone this is Thorin’s new boy toy, Bilbo.”

They cheered once more, not noticing or not minding the completely lost look on Bilbo’s face. 

Frerin looked around for a moment before adding, “I think Balin’s in the kitchen, and Dwalin’s picking up Dad.”

Thorin groaned, “Dad’s coming?”

“Of course Dad’s coming!” said a voice from behind them that was revealed to be Dis, “What, are you afraid he’s going to scare off Bilbo?”

Thorin glared at her, responding, “You all are doing that perfectly fine on your own. It’s just, he always makes us do those weird challenges and-”

“Those are called _traditions_ Thorin, and we’re not about to stop them now,” Dis smirked at him before turning to the rest of the room and saying, “Alright, who wants to play a game?”

Thorin sighed.

~

The rest of the evening passed by much in Bilbo’s favor. 

At first, he got to meet Thorin’s family a bit more properly, which started with Gloin coming up to him and whipping out a locket to reveal pictures of his family, causing Bilbo to jump as he pointed to what was apparently a small boy and declared, “This is my wee lad, Gimli,” to which Bilbo responded, “My God...he’s really something.” 

Then Dwalin arrived with Thorin’s father, Thrain, and Frerin brought Bilbo over to introduce them. Bilbo had glared at the familiar bald man and remarked, “Yeah, we’ve met...and I’m not paying that ticket!” But Dwalin just kept the same neutral expression and said, “I’ll see you in the court then,” before adding almost cheerfully, “Welcome to the family.”

After all of this, however, Thorin’s family had decided to play Uno for the evening while they had a casual dinner in the living room, and Bilbo was more than happy to give Thorin all of his “plus four” cards, which annoyed Thorin to no end.

There was endless banter and teasing between the family members, and Bilbo’s face hurt by the end of the night from smiling and laughing. Frerin and Dis had teamed up with Bilbo against Thorin, so the man ended up with almost half a deck of cards by the end of the game, and while Kili was doing surprisingly well, they soon found a hidden pile of cards behind him and Fili, causing a riot of feigned outrage that ended in the two boys quickly running off in laughter to avoid the various items being thrown at them.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable night, and Bilbo found he liked Thorin’s family quite a lot. Of course, he was also enjoying the sheer amount of embarrassment Thorin was going through too. Bilbo wasn’t joking about getting his revenge.

They were finishing cleaning up for the night, everyone chattering amiably, when Bilbo turned to Thorin and asked, “Your family...is rather fond of facial hair, aren't they?”

“Yep,” Thorin responded, “Except for Kili of course.”

They heard Kili protest from across the room before he was dragged away by his brother.

Bilbo shook his head with a smile on his face before they headed towards the stairs where Dis was coming down, smiling cheerily when she spotted them both.

“Just let me know if you need anything, and if you find anything strange in your room or hear any weird noises it’s probably just my sons-Oh my God! Thorin! Where is his braid?!”

Bilbo’s eyebrows furrowed as he turned to Thorin with a double take. Thorin groaned in annoyance, answering, “Come on Dis, that tradition is a hundred years old-”

“Grandfather is coming tomorrow and if Bilbo doesn’t have a braid in his hair he’s going to lose it!”

“But it’s just-”

“Nope. You will treat Bilbo right and court him properly.”

“Court? What is this, the dark ages? Why-”

“ _Thorin_.”

“Fine!”

Bilbo was far more confused than before as Dis leaned back with a self-satisfied smile and Thorin glared at her.

“Well. You two better get to bed, and don’t stay up too late,” she winked at them before brushing past them, leaving Bilbo with an amused smirk and Thorin with a faint blush.

~

As soon as the door closed to their room, Bilbo turned to Thorin with a wide, devious grin on his face.

“Oh this is going to be such a great weekend,” Bilbo said, “I hope it doesn’t go by too fast, because I’m going to be having so much _fun_.”

Thorin attempted to glare at him, but his nervous swallowing gave him away.

“Can we just pretend none of tonight happened?” Thorin eventually conceded.

Bilbo smiled wryly as he watched Thorin unpack some of his clothing on the bed before turning to his own things to pull on some pajama bottoms. He realized that there wasn’t a couch in this room, but the bed was fairly large, so it shouldn’t matter that much.

He took out his charger and plugged his phone into an outlet by the bed before bouncing on the bed and letting his head fall onto a plush pillow. He stared at the ceiling in thought before furrowing his eyebrows in curiosity. 

“You don’t have many...females in your family, do you?”

“No, not really. Which is probably why Dis thinks she can get away with anything.”

Bilbo shrugged with a look that said ‘understandable,’ and when he looked back over at Thorin, the man had pulled out a brush and was holding a small item Bilbo couldn’t quite see in his hand.

“Oh right, the braid,” he sat up and moved to the edge of the bed, “Just don’t make me look like a German milkmaid or anything, alright?”

The corners of Thorin’s mouth quirked up before he said, “I’ll try not to.”

They both settled onto the edge of the bed as Thorin got to work, combing through Bilbo’s hair and making his loose curls poof slightly. Bilbo tapped his knee anxiously as Thorin continued to work, feeling a strange tension fill the now quiet room. The gentle combing and pulling on Bilbo’s hair put him into a sort of trance, and he was afraid he might fall asleep when suddenly Thorin pulled back, bringing Bilbo back to reality.

The room was quiet for a few moments before Bilbo quietly said, “...do I look weird?”

Thorin didn’t answer for a few seconds, but Bilbo eventually heard him reply, “No more than usual.”

The tension in the room disappeared as Bilbo snorted and scooted back against his pillow while Thorin made his way to the other side of the bed.

Yes, Bilbo thought as he absentmindedly touched the unfamiliar braid, he was going to have _a lot_ of fun this weekend.

~

Waking up was an interesting affair. Which was odd, since waking up was usually pretty straightforward, but not this morning. 

He was still half awake and was about to go brush his teeth when he noticed Thorin was in the bathroom with a hair dryer. Bilbo smirked to himself at the thought that Thorin actually needed a hair dryer when the man turned it on and the room suddenly became a cloud of white.

Bilbo coughed and waved away the white dust now floating around, trying to see what had happened, but he could only hear Thorin yelling, “Fili! Kili!”

The man ran past him and out of the room, now looking like some kind of crazed snow monster.

More confused than ever, Bilbo looked around the bathroom as the air cleared and felt some of the white stuff. It was very soft and smelt like...baby powder. They put baby powder in Thorin’s hair dryer.

He heard Thorin yelling from down the hall.

“When I find you two, I’m going to choke you with your own braids and then hide your bodies where no one will ever find them!”

Bilbo sighed and followed the noise of yelling and giggling.

~

He watched in amusement for a good hour as Thorin yelled at Fili and Kili who were trying to hide behind various people only to be grabbed by the collars by Dwalin, and then the consequential scolding and punishment which consisted of cleaning the entire house by the end of the day.

It intrigued Bilbo that Dis watched the entire thing with a smirk on her face as Thorin dealt out the punishment, but he learned that Dis found it amusing when they messed with their uncle (whereas they would never dare cross her), and that Thorin was practically another parent to them.

As for Bilbo, he found the entire thing to be refreshing, and pretty entertaining if he was being honest. His family, while having their moments of fun and pranks, weren’t inclined to spontaneity and tended to be pretty stuffy. Thorin’s family seemed to be very...genuine.

Smiling, Bilbo took another bite of the waffles Dori had cooked up when Frerin loudly inquired, “We’re going out to the pitch after breakfast, right?”

Not looking up from her plate, Dis answered, “Of course Frerin, now shut up and eat your waffles.”

“You shouldn’t speak to your elders that way, sister dearest,” Frerin returned with a wide grin.

Dis lifted her fork for Frerin to see, which effectively shut him up, probably due to a past incident, but Bilbo was more curious about something else.

“Pitch? What pitch?”

Bofur sat down in the empty spot next to him and stated, “The one at the park of course! We’re going to play some football.”

Many of the others voiced their approval at this, but Bilbo just looked around flustered.

“...football?”

“Yeah!” Frerin exclaimed with a wide grin which morphed into something a little more sultry before saying, “I bet you play football...because you're a keeper.”

Fili laughed loudly next to him while the corners of Bilbo’s mouth quirked up in amusement-many of the others laughing or smirking in some way too. Well, all except Thorin, who had stabbed his plate so hard it sounded like it would break, but Bilbo had more important things to worry about.

“Actually, not quite-”

“Oh? We can play rugby instead if you like?” Frerin suggested amiably.

“No, no, no, no. No thank you, I...I don’t think that would be good.”

“Well, it can get a little rough, but that doesn’t make it any less fun,” Frerin wiggled his eyebrows at him.

Bilbo was about to respond that he didn’t actually have much experience with sports in general when Kili declared, “But we all agreed we were going to play football today!”

“Calm down Kili, we are,” Gloin said, “I’ve got the supplies all ready.”

“Where are the others?” Fili asked around a mouth full of waffles.

“Dain said he’s going to meet us there,” Dwalin replied.

Thorin groaned slightly, but otherwise remained impassive to the rest of the conversation.

Bilbo, on the other hand, had a very bad feeling about this.

~

It was a short drive to the park where they were playing, but they had elected to only take three cars, so Bilbo had to listen to Kili’s terrible singing the entire way and Dwalin’s subsequent annoyance. He had secretly wished Frerin would ride with them just to annoy Thorin, but the dark haired man had refused, claiming it was vital to his sanity.

“Alright, let’s get into teams now, shall we?” Dis clapped her hands together, “I say we have Fili, Kili, Ori, Dwalin, Gloin, and me on one team. And on the other can be Nori, Frerin, Thorin, Bilbo, and Dain, whenever that idiot gets here.”

“That’s totally unfair!” 

Dis turned to Frerin with a challenging glare and asked, “How so?”

“How so?” Frerin asked with a sarcastic laugh, “Your team has an extra player in the first place!”

“So? You guys have Dain, who is basically worth ten players when he gets aggravated,” she argued, before adding under her breath, “And Ori doesn’t exactly count as a player…”

They all murmured in agreement.

“But if it bothers you that much you and Dwalin can switch.”

“That still doesn’t seem fair,” Thorin added this time.

Others began arguing their own points at this time, creating unrest within the whole group.

“Shut it everyone!” Dis yelled, “Our team might have some pretty good players on it, namely me, but you guys have Dwalin _and_ Thorin _and_ Dain, so stop complaining. And Nori cheats anyway, so you guys will have an advantage there too.”

“Oi! I resent that!” Nori protested.

“You always cheat at games,” Dwalin returned.

“Fili and Kili were the ones who cheated at Uno!”

“Oh don’t pretend like just because we can’t catch you that means you’re not doing it,” Gloin finished.

They eventually returned to the game at hand and started distributing shirts for the different players, Bilbo looking at his with disdain before pulling it over his head only to find that it was three sizes too large.

Dain’s arrival marked the beginning of the game, and though Bilbo didn’t exactly know what to expect of Dain, he soon found out. The entire Durin family, especially Dain, was really into sports. At least, that’s the impression Bilbo got only 30 seconds into the game.

It was competitive, and fast, and far too athletic for Bilbo’s tastes, so he found himself mostly just trying to avoid the ball at all costs.

If nothing else, it was entertaining to see Fili and Kili cheekily passing the ball back and forth only to have it stolen by Dwalin at the last second, or to see Frerin “innocently” distract Thorin while Dis came up behind him and stole the ball. Sometimes all three siblings would even team up together to take down Dain just for fun despite being on different teams.

Fili was currently throwing the ball back in while the others repositioned themselves. Bilbo bent over with his hands on his knees attempting to catch his breath, while everyone else was getting back into position.

He overheard Dwalin as he jogged up to Thorin, saying, “They’ve got a leg up on us, we have to score this play.”

Frerin was currently jumping up and down with energy, but he commented with a sly grin, “Thorin’s certainly hoping to score.”

Thorin glared at him, but otherwise ignored him as he got into position.

More running, more yelling, more avoiding getting hit in the head when Kili’s kicks got a little too enthusiastic. Bilbo really hated sports.

He stood by the goal under the guise of protecting it, but was in reality just trying to catch his breath, listening to the shouting and laughing that was thankfully on the other side of the pitch, when he chose to ignore it all in favor of laying on the ground and staring up at the clouds in the sky. Why had he agreed to do this?

He closed his eyes, soaking in the feeling of sunlight on his skin, and he could almost pretend he wasn’t lying on a disgusting field wearing a shirt that almost reached his knees and sweating. That is, until the light coming through his eyelids disappeared and the warmth faded, making him open one eye halfway to find Thorin standing over him with his hands on his hips.

Bilbo groaned and threw an arm over his forehead, saying, “Is the game over yet?”

“We’ve been playing for five minutes.”

Bilbo just tried to disappear into the ground and stated, “Everyone’s so tall. Why are you all so tall?” 

“Why is your family so short?” Thorin returned.

Groaning, overdramatically he’ll admit, he reluctantly accepted the hand Thorin offered him before being pulled to his feet.

“This is awful, why would anyone willingly do this.”

Thorin smirked and said, “Still having a _fun_ weekend?”

“Oh shut up.”

Dwalin threw the ball to Thorin, signaling he was throwing it in, and Frerin jogged near the pair, grinning as usual.

“C’mon Bilbo, it’s not too hard,” the blonde man laughed with a grin, “You can score using your head or your feet.” 

“Frerin!” Dis scolded.

“That one wasn’t even on purpose!”

Thorin rolled his eyes and turned back to Bilbo, holding the ball out in front of him and gesturing to it, saying, “All you have to do is kick the ball towards a player on your team or, ideally, in the goal.”

“Oh, really? Is that all you have to do? Why didn’t you say so earlier? I’ll make sure to do that from now on,” Bilbo returned sarcastically.

Thorin gave him a look before jogging back to the sideline to throw the ball in.

Bilbo sighed and ran a hand through his curls, getting his fingers caught momentarily on the braid.

It couldn’t hurt to try he supposed.

~

Bilbo hissed in pain as he readjusted the ice on his wrist.

“How does it feel?”

Bilbo glared at Thorin and blew a few curls out of his eyes.

“It feels brilliant, Thorin, thank you for asking.”

They were all back at the house now, and Thorin grabbed some more ice from the freezer before placing it on the other side of his wrist and asking, “Why did you decide it was a good idea to freeze when you saw Dwalin running at you?”

“Because!” Bilbo said desperately, trying to think of answer, “I couldn’t really think in that moment...and he’s much faster than he looks!”

It was beyond embarrassing to have Thorin carry him off the field and back to the car, despite his protests that his legs worked perfectly fine, but he supposed it looked good for their whole relationship thing, since they haven’t exactly been very romantic towards each other.

They were going to have to step it up again before people started getting suspicious. 

Thorin and him were sitting at the dinner table while the others helped prepare dinner, which Bilbo fully intended to help with as soon as his wrist stopped throbbing. Dis came into the dining room with Dwalin and Oin to set the table, glancing at Thorin and Bilbo when she saw them.

“Move your arms Thorin, we’re trying to set the table if you don’t mind,” she grumbled jokingly and turned to Bilbo with a smile, “You’re perfectly fine darling, don’t move.”

Thorin glared at her and opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by her asking, “That was quite the spectacle today. You being whisked away all romantically.”

Huffing, Thorin looked away annoyed and said, “It was not romantic. I just have a responsibility to make sure no one gets hurt.”

“Oh come on Thorin, he’s your boyfriend. You can admit it was romantic.”

Thorin paled for a moment, almost as if he had forgotten they were meant to be acting like boyfriends. The strange looks that started appearing on the other’s faces only increased in the following silence, so Bilbo quickly thought of something to distract them.

“It’s not the only time he’s done that you know.”

“Oh really?” Dis asked with a sly smile and arched brow.

“There was this one time, when we were out shopping, that I tripped over one of those parking bumpers in the parking lot, you know? And I fell, not even all the way mind you, and he just scooped me up and ran me across the parking lot.”

Dis and Dwalin started cackling at the story, while Oin just looked around in confusion, obviously not having heard a word they said. Bilbo continued half-laughing himself, saying, “And he didn’t even take me to the car! No, he went _back_ into the store and started yelling for medical help. The employees who called 999 were not happy when I told them I was fine.”

At this point Dis and Dwalin were leaning on each other bent over laughing, Dis’ face screwed up with silent laughter while Dwalin almost knocked her over completely by leaning too much.

“Are-are you serious?” Dwalin asked between chuckles.

“That,” Dis snorted and started again, “That definitely sounds like Thorin.”

Bilbo began to dissolve into laughs himself purely from Dis and Dwalin’s uncontrollable amusement, and he turned to Thorin who was scowling at all three of them, making Bilbo laugh even harder until his eyes were so squinty he couldn’t see.

Eventually, he calmed down enough to say in between laughs, “Oh come on Thorin, don’t be like that! You looked very dashing. You know I love you,” and he planted a big kiss on his cheek.

Bilbo had no idea it was even possible for a human being to turn that shade of red, but Thorin managed. It made them laugh even harder. 

Feeling giddy with laughter, Bilbo put his arms around Thorin’s neck and sat right on his lap, pressing another kiss onto his forehead. He felt the other man stiffen for a moment before he wrapped his arms around Bilbo’s waist and hid his face in his neck. 

He could still hear the others laughing, but it was interrupted by Frerin entering the room, cheerily saying, “Mesdames and messieurs, dinner is served-Woah you two! I see you’re having dessert first.”

Bilbo sat back slightly with a wide smile, blushing slightly from his own actions, but otherwise still smiling from the laughter earlier.

Dis laughed loudly at Frerin’s comment, “That one was actually pretty good.”

Frerin looked at her quickly with a pleasantly surprised smile before bending his arm at the small of his back and dramatically saying, “We have a fine five course meal planned for tonight served with some exquisite aged apple juice.”

“You should probably throw it out then,” Dwalin remarked, “Wait, what happened to the wine?”

Frerin opened his mouth to say something, but just looked around nervously when nothing came out.

“We had _three_ bottles of wine Frerin. I swear, if you drank them all-”

“It wasn’t me! Well, it wasn’t _just_ me. Dain and Nori helped too!”

Dwalin started marching towards the younger man who squealed and ran out of the dining room, followed by a loud crash and the sound of someone who sounded suspiciously like Dori yelling.

Dis shook her head and continued setting the table with Oin, since Dwalin was now preoccupied, before nudging Thorin with a “Move it twit, Grandfather’s sitting here.”

Bilbo looked up at her, asking, “Is he here?”

“He’ll be here in a couple of minutes,” she replied before taking a look at Bilbo’s nervous expression and adding, “But don't worry, he’s like a thousand years old and a little crazy, so you don't really have to impress him.”

Bilbo smiled at her nervously before rising to help her and Oin finish setting the table.

~

The dinner was much, much different from Bilbo’s own at his family gatherings.

First of all, there was a lot more laughter.

Proper table manners dictated that you never raise your voice, never eat with your mouth open, and always say please and thank you. Bilbo had “Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table” drilled into him before he hit age five, so he wasn’t accustomed to a more casual form of dining.

He kind of liked it.

“Wait, wait, tell about the time when you guys were roommates and Thorin thought there was a burglar,” Dis chuckled.

The dinner so far had mostly consisted of telling embarrassing stories about Thorin, and though Thorin certainly wasn’t happy, everyone else was ecstatic. Especially Bilbo.

“Oh my God, okay, okay,” Dwalin began between laughter, “So, back when Thorin and I were sharing an apartment, I worked the night shift. So it was at the crack of dawn when I got home, but as I rolled up to the driveway, I saw something. There was Thorin, standing on top of a trash bin, reaching through the barely open side window, completely naked.”

The table descended into hysterics after that. Kili fell off his chair, making Fili laugh all the harder, while Frerin was trying not to choke on his food. The only one who wasn't laughing was Thorin, of course, who looked like he was trying to simultaneously kill everyone with his glare and disappear into his seat. 

It was funny, Bilbo thought to himself, he didn’t even have to make up embarrassing stories like Thorin had with Bilbo’s family. He just had to sit back and relax while they told them all on their own.

Dwalin, still recovering from his own laughter, continued, “Apparently, he was in the shower and thought he heard a burglar, so he looked around the house and then went outside, but locked himself out!”

Another wave of hysterics hit everyone.

Dis, with actual tears in her eyes, said, “Tell-tell the one with Thranduil!”

At this point Thorin finally spoke up, sternly saying, “ _No_. No more stories. If you want to tell embarrassing stories so badly, just talk about any given day of Frerin’s life.”

Frerin just giggled and raised his glass in a toast.

The conversation calmed down after that, once the laughter had died down a bit. Thorin’s family began reminiscing about memories and discussing family in general, causing Bilbo to lose himself in the easy flow of it all.

Before Gloin could go into another soliloquy about his wife’s beauty or his son’s charm, Dis interrupted him by asking, “So, Bilbo, how do you like your work?”

“Oh! Well, I love it. Writing is everything to me, and not everyone gets to do what they love, so it’s amazing.”

“Writing?” Dis questioned with a confused expression, “Thorin said you were a teacher.”

Bilbo froze.

“Um, I-I, I’m not...um,” Bilbo stuttered as he tried to think of something to say. _Why couldn’t he think of anything?!_ The smart thing would’ve been to say he writes on the side, or that he was a part time teacher, but his brain was completely frozen in panic.

Thorin, with an equally panicked expression, also looked like he was trying to think of something to get them out of their situation. 

Finally, the taller man uttered, “He does both?”

It wasn’t the most subtle way to say it, but at least it got everyone to stop staring at them.

Dis just nodded and an odd silence fell over the table. It probably just felt so unsettling because Bilbo was so anxious, but he was terrified that someone was about to stand up and out them right there. He could only imagine how Thorin felt.

The silence was finally broken by Thror, Thorin’s grandfather, who declared in his aged voice, “So you’re the one who has stolen my grandson’s heart. Tell me, how did he manage to win over a pretty girl like you?”

Next to him, Frerin choked on his drink and almost spit it out across the table, but managed to swallow before wheezing with his efforts not to laugh.

“Grandpa,” Dis said from Thror’s right side, “Bilbo is Thorin’s _boy_ friend.”

“Huh? What was that?”

Dis leaned back into her own seat, shaking her head and saying, “Nevermind.”

Bilbo smiled as their attention was effectively diverted away from his supposed jobs for the rest of the dinner.

~

As they cleaned up the table, Bilbo could hear Thror speaking loudly as Balin rolled him away in his wheelchair. Something along the lines of “I think I know what a girl looks like Balin.”

Bilbo smirked to himself and shook his head lightly, amused with the whole thing.

“Don’t worry, “Bilbo turned to see Frerin helping him clean up the plates next to him, “He only mistook you for a girl ‘cause you’re so pretty.”

Bilbo chuckled, replying, “So it has nothing to do with him being as you all so lovingly say ‘So old he probably helped write the Magna Carta?’”

“Oh no,” Frerin responded with faux seriousness, “You are simply that gorgeous, darling.”

Chuckling, Bilbo turned back to the plates with a grin, but was distracted again by Thorin this time.

“Bilbo?”

Bilbo looked up to where Thorin was standing in the doorway.

“Hm?”

“Could I speak with you for a moment?”

“Yeah, sure,” Bilbo put down the plates he was holding and followed Thorin to an adjacent room.

He was about to ask what Thorin wanted to talk about when the man turned around and blurted, “Please don't date my brother.”

Bilbo blinked a few times.

“ _What?_ ”

“I know I can't stop you or anything, but the whole reason we're doing this is so that I don't have to endure my family's teasing, and you leaving me for my brother isn't exactly going to help with that.”

“Oh my God, Thorin, I'm not _leaving_ you for your brother.” 

“It certainly doesn't seem that way.”

“Are you-?” Bilbo looked him up and down, “Thorin, in case you've forgotten, we're not actually dating!”

“Yes, I realize that Bilbo,” Thorin said through clenched teeth, “But in case you've forgotten, we still need to keep up appearances.”

“I am keeping up appearances!” he answered frantically, “In fact, I'd say I'm doing a much better job than you are!”

Thorin glowered at him, saying, “If you really want to date him, fine. But you should know for your own protection...that my brother is literally crazy, you won't last a week with him without going insane yourself.”

“I can't last a week with you without going insane myself!” he replied hurriedly in agitation.

Bilbo took a deep breath and tried to calm down, feeling his hands unclench.

“I held up my end of the deal,” Thorin began again, “So do you think you can bring it upon yourself to at least wait until after the weekend is over?”

Bilbo threw his hands up and turned away in exasperation.

“ _Thorin_ , I do _not_ want to date your brother. And even if I did, I obviously wouldn't. That would not only make me look like a terrible person, but I wouldn't be holding up my end of the deal. We agreed that we would save each other from our families, and I intend to do that.”

Thorin stayed silent after Bilbo’s statement, eyebrows furrowed as if he were confused about something, but eventually he met Bilbo’s eyes again. The shorter man attempted a half smile and tried to coax one out of Thorin as well, feeling far too pleased with himself when he saw the corner of his mouth twitch slightly.

After a few moments, Bilbo asked, “Did you honestly think I wanted to date your brother?”

Thorin shrugged, “You two seemed to get along very well.”

“That's because your brother flirts with everything that moves,” he retorted, then added, “I think you may be right about his sanity.”

“Oh yeah, there's definitely something wrong with him,” Thorin replied nonchalantly, and they made their way into the living room.

~

Despite how interesting the ceiling was, Bilbo eventually got tired of staring at it in his efforts to fall asleep. He carefully untangled his feet from the covers so as not to wake up Thorin, and snuck out of the room with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. 

He entered the living room with unsteady feet, still feeling drowsy despite not being able to fall asleep, when he heard a noise to his left. Turning, he saw Fili and Kili doing something to Ori’s room door, freezing once they noticed Bilbo.

They stood there completely unmoving with their mouths hanging open, but Bilbo just shrugged with an indifferent expression, saying, “I don’t care.”

The pair exchanged looks before twin smiles broke out across their faces, returning to whatever they were doing, but Bilbo had already made his way to the porch. He had a lot to think about.

He didn’t want to admit it, but this whole pretending thing was really weighing on him.

He thought that he would just go to a couple family gatherings, put on a happy face, and get out of there before anyone could figure out the sad truth; but unfortunately, he had something called a conscious.

It just didn’t feel right lying to Thorin’s family. He liked them _so_ much, and he actually felt welcome and comfortable with them, despite their strange and slightly concerning antics. He felt himself actually...wanting to be a part of the family.

Stepping onto the porch, he saw someone already sitting on the bench and decided he was too tired to care about it. He sat down next to the person, who he finally recognized to be Dis, and wrapped the blanket closer around himself.

“What are you doing up?” Dis asked.

Bilbo tucked his legs up to his chest, responding wryly, “Thorin kicks. Not very comfortable.”

He was lying of course. He was the one who kicked, according to Thorin.

Dis just nodded her head in understanding before sighing and turning to Bilbo with a smile. She looked at him with such a sincere expression, and Bilbo was sure she was about to say something very important, but all she said was, “Kick him back.”

He huffed in amusement and fiddled with the edges of the blanket.

Dis gave him one last smile before looking back at the lawn in front of them, which was slightly lit by the faint light of fireflies.

Though he couldn’t really say why, Bilbo felt his heart clench. He just loved it so much here. With Thorin and his family. It felt like when Bilbo’s mom would pull him out of school early with a surprise trip or something of the like. Or when he was sick and his parents would stay with him at home, taking care of him and putting on his favorite old movies.

Bilbo swallowed harshly, berating himself for how tight his throat felt, and then stated earnestly, “You have an amazing family.”

He heard Dis snort next to him before she responded, “I’m afraid Thorin wouldn’t agree at the moment.”

Bilbo tucked his legs closer to himself, maintaining, “No, he loves you all very much. I can tell. Even if he’s too stubborn to show it sometimes.”

This time he could actually feel Dis’ stare when she turned to look at him, and it quickly became impossible for him not to turn as well.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she answered softly, “I’m just amazed that you two found each other. I’ve never seen two people more suited for one another.”

Bilbo really didn’t know how to respond to that. He felt his heart quicken while at the same time his breathing slowed. It was only made worse with Dis’ next statement.

“I can tell he really loves you.”

He took a deep breath, and even though he was looking at Dis, he wasn’t really seeing her.

He wanted to be happy at her statement. He wanted to feel his heart lighten with joy and his face ache from smiling.

But all he could think was, _no he doesn’t_.

~

Eventually, when the fireflies started to blur a little too much, Bilbo said his goodnights to Dis and opened up the sliding glass door to head back inside. He headed through the living room and was about to go back upstairs when he saw Thorin looking around in a confused manner. Bilbo watched him for a few seconds until the man eventually turned around and saw Bilbo.

Thorin sighed and said, “There you are. You were gone and I...didn’t know what happened, so I was looking for you…”

Thorin shuffled a bit nervously, and Bilbo just watched him the entire time.

Without realizing it, his legs moved of their own accord and he found himself wrapping his arms around Thorin, face pressed into his chest.

He felt Thorin’s arms come around him tentatively, before clutching onto him and pulling him closer with his head resting atop Bilbo’s. They stood there for awhile, Bilbo grasping onto the back of Thorin’s shirt and Thorin trying to pull Bilbo even closer.

Bilbo opened his eyes, not realizing they were closed, when Thorin gently loosened his grip, and Bilbo found that he really did not want to let go. Thorin must have realized this, because he gently took Bilbo’s hand into his and looked down at him in earnest.

Bilbo found he couldn’t quite meet his eyes and tucked his head down, still standing close to Thorin. After a few seconds, he felt himself being led upstairs and back to their bedroom. His heart sank when Thorin let go of his hand, but a few moments later the man was pulling back the covers and gesturing for him to lay down. 

He did so and Thorin laid down next to him, pulling the covers over both of them before wrapping his arms around Bilbo and tucking him into his chest. He could feel Thorin’s lips move in his hair when the taller man quietly asked, “Is this okay?”

Bilbo just wrapped his arms around Thorin in response.

~

Thorin has had an interesting past couple of weeks.

He knew the moment Bofur approached him with the absurd idea of “fake boyfriends” that things were going to get messy, but he really hadn’t bet on just how messy it could get. He hadn’t bet on feeling bad for the way Bilbo’s family treated him, or getting upset when Frerin shamelessly flirted with the man, or feeling his heart clench painfully everytime he saw him smile.

He really didn’t bet on making a friend through this whole ordeal.

They didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, and then they had created some unspoken agreement to make each other’s lives as miserable as possible through embarrassing stories and silent competitions. Still, Thorin found himself staring at Bilbo without realizing it, or losing all brain functions when he did something like hug him. And he didn’t even want to think about how he felt last night.

So he didn’t. He stayed quiet in case he said something foolish on accident, and he avoided Dis who seemed to always find a way to irritate him enough to get him to talk.

Besides, the most important thing was that no one was suspicious of them, and he should just be thankful for that small miracle.

“Thorin, are you feeling alright?”

Thorin quickly looked up from where he was staring at the floor to where Balin was giving him a curious look.

“Yes, of course. I was just thinking about something.”

Balin made an understanding expression and meandered over to him in his usual annoying “I know something you don’t” way, before commenting, “I’m sure it’s quite exhausting, having to pretend to be something you’re not.”

Thorin stared at him with a panicked expression.

“So...you know?”

“Of course I know Thorin,” Balin replied like it was obvious, “You couldn’t even say what the man does for a living for goodness sake.”

“Well, we forgot to go over that one…” Thorin mumbled.

“Listen,” Balin continued, “I know that you have difficulty dating and that our teasing gets to you, but you shouldn't feel like you should have to hire an...an escort,” Balin finished conspiratorially.

Thorin finally met Balin’s eye with an extremely confused expression.

“What? Wait, what-”

“I mean, if you _want_ an escort then to each their own, but-”

“No, Balin! Bilbo is not-He's not an escort. We just made a deal that he does something for me and...I do something for him,” Thorin ended quietly.

“Oh my God,” Balin’s eyes widened, “Are _you_ the escort Thorin?”

“What? No! Mahal Balin, we agreed that he would go to my family gathering and I would go to his.”

“Oh, I see,” he replied shortly in understanding, adding, “You, I understand, but Bilbo doesn't really seem the type to need help in that area.

“Thanks,” Thorin replied sarcastically.

Balin could be brutally honest sometimes.

“Well,” the older man said after awhile, seemingly thinking the issue over, “What are you going to do when we all get together again and Bilbo’s not there?”

“I'll just say that we broke up,” Thorin shrugged, appearing indifferent, “And pretend that it was really painful, that way they still won't tease me.”

Balin stayed silent for a few moments before saying, “That's brilliant actually.”

Thorin gave him a sarcastic half bow.

“I still think it's rather pathetic though.”

“Yes, thank you Balin.”

Balin sighed to himself and began to walk away, “Honestly, Thorin. You should really try dating like a normal person,” and disappeared around the corner.

Thorin did so love getting dating advice from someone older than dirt.

~

Waking up alone is something Bilbo is used to, so he tries to ignore the pang of sadness he feels when he finds Thorin missing that morning.

He quickly got dressed and headed downstairs where everyone was about to eat breakfast. Helping Dori cook up some eggs and sausage, they quickly got breakfast ready which was received gratefully. 

He’ll never get over just how quickly the Durin household could put away their meals, use to savoring them himself, but right now he was a bit distracted by Thorin’s staring.

He was actually fairly use to Thorin’s staring, since he had caught him doing it more than a few times, but when someone is blatantly staring at you over breakfast, it gets kind of difficult to ignore. 

With furrowed eyebrows, Bilbo fiddled with the sausage on his plate, and looked back and forth between his plate and Thorin in confusion. Eventually, when he realized Thorin was not going to look away, he mouthed a “What?”, causing the man to finally blink a couple of times before he just shook his head at Bilbo and began to stare at the table.

Sighing and shaking his own head, Bilbo went back to his breakfast. There was something wrong with that man if you asked Bilbo.

Thankfully, before Bilbo could ask him that out loud, Thorin’s father shot up out of his seat and loudly announced, “It is time for the traditional games of the Durin household!”

Dis sniggered in her plate along with some of the others, while everyone else just shook their heads.

“Dad,” Thorin groaned, “No one is interested in your _feats of strength_.”

Thrain glared at his eldest son, replying, “We have done this every year at our gatherings, and we’re not about to stop now! It is tradition.”

“Yes, and every year someone ends up crying or at the hospital. Usually both,” Thorin answered, trying to ignore Dis’ increasing amusement.

“Only the losers,” was Thrain’s final reply before he left the table, obviously expecting everyone else to follow.

Dain, whose excitement had kept growing throughout the conversation, quickly followed behind him. Everyone got up one by one to follow the other two with Thorin being the last to get up. Thorin slowly pushed in his chair, and just as Bilbo walked by Thorin grabbed his arm and made sure everyone else had left.

Bilbo looked up at him in confusion, then Thorin said, “Balin knows.”

His eyes widened and he responded, “What?! How? I didn’t tell him anything, I promise-”

“No, I know, he-Actually, he thought you were an escort, but-”

“What?!”

“Then I told him the truth, and, well, he won’t tell anyone.”

Bilbo took a few breaths and looked at his feet.

“Then...we’re still okay? No one else knows?” Bilbo eventually asked.

Thorin nodded shortly. There were a few moments of silence before Thorin said, “I’m not going in that living room, though. It’s just going to end with Dwalin and Dain breaking everything within ten feet to prove who's strongest.”

Bilbo laughed, replying, “If you grab the keys, I’ll get our jackets and we can get some ice cream and be back before they even realize we’re missing.” 

The next thing Bilbo knew, Thorin was kissing him.

He bent down, cupped Bilbo’s face, and pressed his lips to his.

Bilbo sucked in a breath as Thorin opened his mouth slightly and moved his lips over Bilbo’s. He felt himself press against Thorin as the taller man ran his fingers through his curls. Cutting off a small noise as Thorin sucked on his lower lip, the taller man thankfully pulled back before Bilbo could do anything really embarrassing, and kissed the corner of his mouth lightly.

Bilbo let out a breath as they parted, eventually opening his eyes and smiling widely when he saw Thorin looking down at him, eyes bright and lips parted.

Bilbo knew he was beaming at this point, his face began to hurt from how wide his smile was, but he couldn’t stop, so he smiled and softly said, “Hey.”

A bright smile broke across Thorin’s face and Bilbo thought it was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He looked down at Bilbo in a way that took his breath away, quietly responding, “Hey.”

Staring at Bilbo for a few moments, he added, “I’ve wanted to do that for awhile now.”

“ _I knew it_!”

Bilbo and Thorin turned their heads sharply towards the new voice just in time to see Kili running back to the living room, simultaneously sighing when they heard yelling break out in the other room. 

“This should be fun,” Thorin muttered.

~

After debating on whether to pack their bags and sneak out of the house as quickly as possible or to enter the living room and just get it over with, they decided on the former. Unfortunately, Thorin’s family was far more tenacious than they counted on and stopped them before they even got up the stairs.

“Tell them that I saw you kiss!” Kili yelled over the others who were simultaneously yelling at Kili and bickering among themselves.

Bilbo opened his mouth to speak, not really sure of what was going to come out, but Nori spoke before he could, saying, “Of course they did! Now pay up Dwalin.”

“Um, what-” Bilbo started.

“No way! Not until we have proof,” Dwalin replied roughly, “I am not going off the word of _Kili_.”

They descended into arguing once more, causing Bilbo to stare at them all in utter confusion. He eventually shook himself back into focus and asked, “Wait a second...you made _bets_?”

“Yeah...they do that,” Thorin mumbled quietly.

Frerin hopped up a few steps of the staircase and lifted his arms in a placating manner, announcing, “Wait! Why are we so quick to discredit Kili? What is so wrong with us that we don’t believe one of our own? One of our-”

“Oh be quiet Frerin. We know you made the same bet as him,” Dain interrupted.

Frerin mumbled a “Damn it” and hopped off the staircase.

“I don’t understand,” Bilbo stated, still bemused, “How did any of you know we weren’t dating? And _why_ did you make bets again?”

“We all knew you two weren’t actually dating,” Dis answered plainly.

“ _What?_ ” Thorin asked in astonishment.

“Yeah,” Kili began proudly, “I knew from when Thorin kept blushing when he looked at Bilbo during Uno.”

“I knew from ‘Everyone this is Bilbo,’” Fili added matter-of-factly. “No way Uncle could land someone like that,” he added with a smug grin.

Thorin glared at him.

With a slightly amused expression, Dis spoke up again, addressing Bilbo’s second question, “The bets were on whether or not you would get together.”

“Which they _did!_ ” Kili yelled, reigniting the previous argument all over again.

Thorin sighed while Bilbo just stared open-mouthed as the others argued vociferously, watching the chaos in front of them.

As the arguing continued, Bilbo leaned slightly towards Thorin, both still watching the clamor, and whispered, “Do you want to get that ice cream now?”

Thorin nodded slowly, eyes still trained on the tumult in front of them, and they both quietly backed up out of the room towards the entrance. They slipped on their shoes, Thorin tripping slightly and Bilbo shushing him with a smile, before getting on his tiptoes and giving Thorin a quick kiss.

The smile that spread over Thorin’s face was worth every family gathering Bilbo’s ever been to. 

Just as they closed the door, they could hear Kili’s indignant call of “They just did it again!”

Bilbo thinks he’s going to get chocolate ice cream.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read this! You're all amazing and please let me know what you thought!


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